My name is not Dolores Jones
You know how some guys really get you down? How some dates and relationships can leave you feeling naked, afraid, and oh so confused? You know how some guys are just those guys? Those guys?
Well then there was Beach Dick.
Yes, Beach Dick. An online connection, I first saw him in his European speedos, honey coloured skin glowing, a grinning Greek god, stretched across the unspoilt sand of some exotic paradise, the waves seductively lapping at his groin. Another profile picture captured the moment as he stepped off a yacht in a freshly pressed suit. Wanker alert! However, upon reading…and reading…and reading his rather wordy self description I took the risk to chat. He insisted on taking me out to dinner and in spite of my reservations Cupid set up the first date. He was 40 years young, was a bit of a babe, well traveled, seemingly educated, had lived overseas, enjoyed the arts and the finer things, loved good coffee, fancied himself a builder and part-time sketch artist, and lived on his own in one of the more hip suburbs of Melbourne. Note: He also used the word ‘meretricious’ within the first five minutes of our date, corrected my pronunciation of an ancient Egyptian word within the first ten minutes, laughed a lot(!) at his own jokes (which weren’t even bordering on smile worthy), revealed that he had closed his online profile and expected that I would do the same, talked over the top of most of what I attempted to contribute, and looked at me rather resentfully when he mentioned for the second time that he would get the bill and it was his pleasure.
And so, it was hate. I said no to the offer of a coffee catch up and thought the worst was behind me. I couldn’t have been more wrong. After a period of time away from the internet dating scene I decided to reactivate my account to see if things had improved in the world of endless choice. Within a day I had an inbox from Beach Dick. And it wasn’t a friendly hello. It was a character assassination. According to him I was a fraudulent, physically and emotionally unavailable, jaded harpie that was just looking for a free meal and an ego boost…After responding with a question as to where cocks like him were manufactured I blocked Beach Dick, hoping to never hear from him again. But unfortunately only days later I received a message on my phone from an unknown number. “Hello, I saw your profile and would like to spend some time with you.” I promptly rang unknown number to enquire as to how he had contrived my personal details, only to discover that an online profile had been created under the username of Dolores Jones, advertising the services of Escort/Masseuse and detailing my real name, photo and mobile number.
I could feel the vomit rising and knew immediately that Beach Dick was responsible. But I decided that I wasn’t going to waste any more energy on a wordy, self-important, psychopathic, loud-talking, misogynistic, bitter and twisted excuse for a man. Retribution would be by food. Victory in creation. And so it is to the κουζίνα I escort myself to massage nothing more than a spinach leaf or two.
Further note: If someone degrades you, bullies you, attempts to threaten your dignity, or harasses you in any way it isn’t of course as easily solved by cooking up a delicious meal. In this case the best action is to report the offender to the police. You don’t want this person to keep repeating such inexplicable behaviour or give them any reason to think it’s ok
A taste of Greece
2 lb. fresh spinach, washed, dried, trimmed, and coarsely chopped
3 Tbs. extra-virgin olive oil
1 brown onion, finely chopped 10 spring onions, white and light-green parts only, finely chopped
2 cups feta cheese, crumbled
1/2 cup finely grated Parmigiano-Reggiano
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1/2 cup finely chopped fresh dill
1/3 cup finely chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
1/4 tsp. freshly grated nutmeg
15 to 20 sheets frozen phyllo dough, thawed
1 tbsp milk
Preheat the oven to 190 degrees Centigrade.
Mix it: Heat a 10-inch pan over medium heat. Cook the spinach in batches until it is wilted and bright green in colour, about 5 minutes. Transfer the spinach to a colander and squeeze out the excess moisture. Now heat the oil in the pan over medium heat. Add the onion and cook until transparent. Add the spring onions and cook until soft. Stir that spinach in and then leave the mix to cool. Once cooled stir in the remaining ingredients and season with salt to taste.
Assemble it: Lightly coat a baking dish with olive oil. Place your first sheet of filo in the dish and lightly oil it with the pastry brush. Layer the filo to cover the bottom of the dish and continue to lightly baste each sheet top with olive oil. Continue to layer, using up to 8 sheets of filo, with a concentration towards the centre of the dish. Top with the filling, spreading evenly over the filo base.
Finish it off: Now place remaining filo sheets over the filling, continuing to brush the top of each sheet lightly with olive oil. Enclose that treasure of a filling in by lightly folding the edges of the filo pastry down the sides of the dish with the oiled basting brush.
Score the top of the pastry with a sharp knife into the size of the pieces you desire without cutting through to the filling. Brush the scored edges with milk and it’s ready to bake. Cook in pre-heated oven until the top is golden. Cut out as scored and serve with fresh salad.
Eat that cheesy green goodness. Bad taste gone.