I love to cock
Are you suffering from dating exhaustion? Tired of swiping right to disappointment? Kissed too many amphibians in princely clothing?
Well then there was Facebookcheat.
Yes, Facebookcheat. It all started with a simple friend request. I had no idea who he was but his photo had me intrigued. Confirm. He was an actor, a ridiculously good looking version of Roberto Benigni, made a 3 day growth look desirable, had wild curly hair that was come-hither disheveled, used adorably incorrect grammar, wanted to chat about everything and anything, was inquisitive about my life and the workings of my mind, plied me with praise and encouragement, and was funny, witty, and so wonderfully creative. Note: He lived in Rome, made grammatical errors that were sometimes bordering on ridiculous and seemed to be a convenient segue into a sexually charged conversation (eg during a conversation about culinary delights he revealed “I love to cock”), only ever called from the holiday apartment he managed, seemed uncontactable during his evening hours….and did I mention he lived in Rome??
And so, it was infatuation. Texting to the late hours, waking up to good night messages, Skype calls that went on for hours lying side by side, and the beginning sketches of a European holiday and first time meet up. I found myself humming ‘That’s Amore’ a little too often, started drinking copious amounts of stove-top coffee, ate Nutella with everything, and watched ‘A Roman Holiday’ and wept. It had all the romance of a steamy novel and was all yet to be fully realised. I was walking on marshmallow clouds, the world was full of new colours, my senses seemed to multiply and I spoke Italian in my dreams. It was the kind of thing I’d been waiting for, unexpected, a little crazy, and exotic.
Five weeks of blissful absorption until I logged onto Facebook one morning to discover him tagged in a wedding album….and he was the groom. What the f*#king F**K!! I felt like projectile vomiting nutella vom all over his wild curly hair and 3 day stubble. I was in such a state of shock I didn’t know how to react. Part of me wanted to channel my inner Glenn Close of Fatal Attraction and really screw things up for him bunny boiler stylin’. Instead I wrote a rather terse message about how the truth can set you free and clicked ‘unfriend’. Because why would I waste any more time on a cheating, story-telling, social media stalking, big-haired, cock talking cazzo?!? Time to make a Roman holiday of my very own, in my mouth. Flavour awaits in la cucina.
A taste of Rome
3 cups whole milk
1 cup heavy cream
1/2 tsp sea salt
3 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice
Combine the milk, cream and salt in a saucepan. Using a food thermometer heat the milk to 190°F, stirring slowly to make sure milk doesn’t stick to the bottom of the pan. Remove the pan from heat and add the lemon juice, stirring it through slowly a couple of times. Leave it to sit for 5 to 10 minutes.
Line a colander with a few layers of cheese or muslin cloth and place it over a large bowl. Pour pan contents into the colander and strain for a few hours. Store strained curds in an airtight container and keep in the fridge until use. Use the whey to make a stock, a milkshake, a hair rinse, or feed it to your plants.
2 cups plain flour
half cup sugar
pinch of salt
1 stick of butter, cut into small pieces
1 egg yolk
1 pound ricotta
1 cup honey
half teaspoon lemon zest
A good squeeze of lemon juice
Toasted pine nuts
Combine sifted flour, sugar and salt. Add the butter and rub through until it becomes like breadcrumbs. Beat the egg and egg yolk separately and pout into the dry mixture and mix until combined. Add a little cold water if still crumbly. Wrap in cling wrap and place in refrigerator for an hour.
Set oven at 180 degrees Celsius. Remove dough after chilling and roll out on a floured surface. Aim for it to be an even thickness and larger than the dish you are transferring it to. Transferring is the tricky part and don’t beat yourself up if it breaks into pieces when you do. Moisten your fingers with a little water and smooth into pan and up to the edges. Return to fridge to cool for another 15 minutes. Once cooled cover the pastry with baking paper and fill with baking stones or something that distributes weight across the pan evenly (I used dried split peas). Blind bake for 15 to 20 minutes. Remove paper and weights once done.
Whilst the pastry is blind baking make your filling. Whisk the eggs separately. Combine the ricotta, honey, juice and zest in a large bowl. Add the eggs and stir until combined. Pour mixture into your pastry case and return to oven and bake for approximately 40 minutes, until the top is golden. Serve with toasted pine nuts, morello cherries and double cream.
Oh! Dio mio! My tastebuds are singing. Now that’s amore. Bad taste gone.