No glove, no love
Are you suffering from dating exhaustion? Tired of swiping right to disappointment? Kissed too many amphibians in princely clothing?
Then there was Holidaymance.
Yes, Holidaymance. But then Holidaymance wasn’t one of those guys. He was magic. But the story needs to be told all the same. It was a Monday night in my favourite dingy, dimly lit pub. The midnight sausage sizzle had been and gone and I was beginning to consider home time until I saw him. Our eyes met across the smokey overcrowded beer garden. And with our gaze locked we weaved our way through the drunken mass towards each other. The rubble subsided and it was just he and I in our own magnetic bubble. He was a German backpacker, tall and long with blonde curly hair and blue eyes, a Utopian prince, with a mind full of youthful wisdom and a passion for renewable energy, positive action, and a kinder approach to the world that we live in. Note: he was only visiting for two days before disappearing to other exotic parts of the world. But I wasn’t deterred.
And so, it was a 24 hour relationship. We visited my favourite local destinations, talked about all that made our minds tick, ate delicious food , lay naked together until the late hours, sweating liberally and shouting out each other’s name in unison, falling a little bit in notreallylove love together. It was intense and precious and over all too soon. I dropped him back at the backpackers the next evening with tears forming. Email addresses, phone numbers, and body fluids exchanged we promised to stay in touch as I regretfully watched his beautiful long shadow disappear into the night.
Had he just been an illusion? He proved he wasn’t when an email arrived a couple of days after our whirlwind romance, inviting me to join him in Bali for a week. My heart aflutter, my answer was of course ‘ja!!’. Yet the next day I was feeling a little itchy and generally uncomfortable in my nether regions. You see, during our intense 24 hour relationship there may have been an intimate moment in which my German knight failed to armour himself with the necessary protection for such occasions. Unsheathed, without raincoat, minus naughty bag, sans rubber, missing a penis hat. Bare skin against bare skin. My bad. And his. So off to the doctor I trotted to get my flange peered at and to pee in a tiny container (and all over the hand holding said container). But just out of curiosity I decided to take a vagina selfie, just in case I could spot any funny goings on. To be fair it was my first proper viewing of my pink bits and I wasn’t quite prepared for the confronting fleshy image. No blemish uncovered but in a state of shock all the same I put the camera away. After some contemplation I thought it was best to notify Holidaymance of my concerns and suggested that he also be screened for stds. Although a little confused, my German went and got his bratwurst perused and prodded.
Our exotic getaway was still full steam ahead and in spite of our itchy little hiccup we found ourselves in Bali a week later, given the all clear, and ready for copious amounts of sweaty love-making, with and only with the presence of a penis hat. After reacquainting ourselves sufficiently in the bedroom we headed out to see some sights, eat a whole lot of spice, and behave like right proper tourists. Happy snaps. In front of a temple, sitting next to a potentially rabid infested monkey, with a cocktail, photo of dinner, photo with dinner, photo post vomiting dinner. Later as we reclined on the bohemian, potentially flea ridden mattress at our 2 star resort we looked back through the photos we had taken. And horror of horrors, there amongst our enthusiastic loved-up holiday photos was my vaj selfie. In my state of initial fright I had forgotten to delete the image. #awkwardsilence
Now if this is not a good enough reason to always use a condom I don’t know what is. After the awkward pause we resumed our holiday, him quietly bemused, me pretending as though it never happened. And while I am loving my labia these days, as it is just how nature intended it to be, reliving the whole embarrassing incident has left the taste of humiliation in my mouth. So, yes, I can feel a cathartic session in the kitchen coming on. Ja wohl!
A taste of Germany
Schnitzel with Green Sauce
2 cups parsley
1 cups watercress
1 cup finely chopped chives
1 cup spinach
1⁄2 cup buttermilk
1⁄2 cup plain Greek yogurt
1⁄2 cup sour cream
1 hard-boiled egg yolk
2 tbsp. fresh lemon juice
salt and pepper to taste
Combine all ingredients in a food processor and whizz until bright green and creamy.
Chicken thigh fillets
salt and pepper to taste
I prefer chicken thigh to breast as it’s tastier or if you prefer a more traditional version use veal. Pound out your chicken fillets to about 1 to 2 cm thick. Roll in flour, and then egg and finally the breadcrumbs. Season well. Heat up your pan and add a good slug of olive oil. Cook schnitzel both sides to a golden brown. Drain on paper towels to absorb excess oil and keep the crispy. Serve with potato mash, vegetables, and plenty of that green sauce.
Well that definitely is a cleanser.